Downtrodden

There was a brief, shining moment earlier this Summer in which I felt on the verge of returning to a degree of normalcy. There were glimpses of a past life; I returned to the office, ceased worrying about the health of my family and started participating in society for the first time in nearly two years. It felt so, so foreign but I was so, so elated. The weight of a really difficult two years was waning.

Two years is a long time. It is long enough for you to change your behavior, expectations and paradigm. I found myself relearning social queues and pushing myself to get out of the house. A routine emerged that was simultaneously familiar but so very distant. This surreal experience was perhaps the happiest baseline I can recall since March 2020. Things were not perfect, but I was excited to be free from many of the anxieties and isolation that I had been mostly living for two years in my early 30s.

Viruses are unpredictable, but human behavior is not.

All of a sudden, the skies darkened as a rash of negative events cascaded this summer. Delta spread across much of the country and ravaged the unvaccinated. The Governor of Texas decided to choose partisan politics over democracy and human rights. We were sent home from the office. The Western half of the country burned while extreme weather ravaged the East. An acquaintance died from COVID. My work environment was suffocatingly toxic.

It was all so frustrating — mostly because I can reasonably fault others for these negative developments. I was sitting at home feeling cooped up and restless, mourning human suffering and mad at those causing it through unabashedly selfish choices. Life is obviously better today than six months ago, but the reversion is the biggest source of frustration. We were out of this, we had largely overcome it!

But no, human choices strike again. The fallibility of humans is the bedrock of my belief system, so perhaps I should expect as much. After all, I fail over and over, day after day. I don’t know — it seemed like we were getting past a very difficult period in human history. To a person going through hell, anticipation of the other side is integral to their continuing hope; when the goalposts are moved, the foundation for perseverance is shaken.

We will, as a society, come through this dark period. Whether it is due to moral courage or simply exhausting bad luck remains to be seen. However, maybe all that is to be learned from these feelings is that our choices have ramifications, and we are impossibly linked to the members of our society. Better outcomes are worth fighting for — it is simply not enough to tend your garden if you have the capacity to influence others. Perhaps I should no longer take a fulfilling, positive life for granted. Perhaps I should not scoff at my foolish countrymen from a distance. If this last several years has taught me anything, perhaps it is that I should reset my expectations while aiming higher, myself.